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In-love or Ego-attached?

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These days I am just so awe-struck by the new things that I am experiencing and then learning about myself and other human-beings. Did you know that when you thought you were in love, actually you could be only ego-attached

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Listening to below material of Eckhart Tolle totally opened up my mind to the concept of ego-attachment and addictive clinging to somebody. Some part of the material so resonated with my previous experiences that I had to write them down word for word, hoping that will chisel the material into my mind. So here they are:

“Unless and until you access the consciousness frequency of presence, all relationships and particularly intimate relationships are deeply fraught and ultimately dysfunctional. They may seem perfect for a while, such as when you are in love. But invariably that apparent perfection gets disrupted as arguments, conflicts, dissatisfaction and emotional, or even physical violence occur with increasing frequency.

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It seems that most love relationships become love-hate relationships before long. Love can then turn into a savage attack. Feelings of hostility or complete withdrawal of affection in the flick of a switch. This is considered normal.

If in your relationships, you experience both love and the opposite of love–attack, emotional violence and so on, then it is likely that you are confusing ego-attachment and addictive clinging with love.

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You cannot love your partner one moment and attack him or her the next. True love has no opposite. If your love has an opposite, then it is not love, but strong ego need for more complete and deeper sense of self. The need that the other person temporarily meets. It is the ego’s substitute for salvation. And for a short time, it almost does feel like a salvation.

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But there comes a point when your partner behaves in ways that fail to meet your needs, or rather those of your ego. The feelings of fear, pain and lack that are an intrinsic part of egoic consciousness, but had been covered up by the love relationship, now resurface. Just as with every other addiction, you are on a high when the drug is available, but invariably there comes a time when the drug no longer works for you.

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When those painful feelings reappear, you feel them even more strongly than before. And what is more, you now perceive your partner as the cause of those feelings. This means that you project them outward and attack the other with all the savage violence that is part of your pain.”

When I heard this part, I was like “Wow wow wow how accurate!!!“…. And here is the complete material for your listening. 2

When ego-attachment is the problem, Eckhart Tolle advises that focusing on the present moment and facing and feeling the hidden pain is the key to dealing with and dissolving the underlying pain.

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So that means more consciousness and awareness homework for me! And maybe then I will enjoy a real authentic love relationship, perhaps for the first time.

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Feel wonderful! 

Bella

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Practicing awareness in human interactions

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animated-monkey-image-0241Yesterday a small incident happened at work that threw me totally off guard. In an instant, burning upset came over me and I could even feel its heat all over my face.

The more the other person wanted to talk about what I saw as a minor issue, the more I couldn’t believe what I was experiencing both externally and internally. So I decided I will find out what was really hiding in the roots that made this incident happen.

So being a natural analyzer and dissector, my mind went on duty full time. Regardless of what I was up to, the mind was focused on the “issue”. I couldn’t remember the last time I wasn’t able to fall asleep because I felt that much profound emotion (by the way, this time it was a feeling of confusion while earlier it might have been mostly negative in such staying-awake nights), but last night I certainly stayed up until at least 2am with my mind still trying to digest and find out that root cause that managed to shake me.

After a bit of digestion, I did find out the cause and sent the following message to the person, with whom part of the incident happened and let him know that I had dissected the whole thing and was ready for a call if he was available. 2

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Then this morning, I found below video, which gives an amazing guidance on how to deal with incidents like that of yesterday. And the good news is that it turns out I can use such shaking incidents as ones that grow my consciousness and awareness.

So enjoy the guidance below. 1

And at my end, I am curious to know what further experiences will help me cleanse.

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Feel wonderful! 

Bella

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What is a healthy relationship?

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Today I chilled and rested with a few of Iyanla‘s latest videos and below one was a real treasure that opened my eyes to the concept of healthy relationships. In below video, Iyanla describes what healthy relationships are like. When she says relationship, she means all types of relationships between two human-beings in general. So the definition includes friendships, romantic relationships, family relationships, etc.

When I heard the beautiful definition she gave on healthy relationships, every word of her described the amazing relationship Linda and I have with each other, and below are some of Iyanla‘s descriptions:

“… In a healthy relationship, you can be your authentic self, real self at all times with the person you are in a relationship with.

In a healthy relationship, you get to be you as you change and shift and grow without being expected to be who the other person or people want you to be in order to keep them comfortable.

In a healthy relationship, when things get tough, trust, truth, honesty, respect, compassion, forgiveness and compromise take precedence over being right and having your own way.

In a healthy relationship, you are willing to love selflessly and you enjoy looking for the little ways to keep the love in your relationship alive. You give without expectation of anything in return. You find ways to crank up the energy in the relationship. You pay attention to what the other person likes, wants, needs, and when possible, you support it or provide it.

In a healthy relationship, you keep looking for ways that you can rekindle that spark, that connection, that energy that makes you enjoy being together.

A healthy relationship is also the one that you prepare to work for and work on. A healthy relationship requires a lot of work. However, when you want to be in the relationship, when you are passionate about the relationship and its health, it won’t seem like work at all….”

Beautiful definitions! Aren’t they?

And besides describing healthy relationships, Iyanla also provides the keys to building such relationships, and they are the followings: pumping-heart-with-key-small

  1. Communicate, communicate, communicate, and listen.
  2. Stay present in your relationship.
  3. Be excited about being able to spend time with the other person.
  4. Stand for, with and by each other.

When I heard these beautiful definitions and the keys, all of them sounded like the things that Linda and I naturally do with each other and for each other. So I’m thinking, “Now that I know what the gold standard of relationships feels like for me, why don’t I consciously try to polish every other relationship and see how many I can upgrade?

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Feel wonderful! 

Bella