I have been away from my sweet blog for nearly 2.5 months and now I am trying to recall how I bring out words into it. So let’s see what comes out of me this time.
Since my last post, my life has taken a completely different turn yet again. First the increased energies and the resulting Ascension symptoms made it impossible for me to spare time for my sweet blog. Then the only thing that I was able to do was to try to show up at my full-time job with daily increasingly late arrivals and early departures. Morning workouts became just a dream because of intense toxin removals in the mornings and all my socializing and dancing plans became too taxing to keep up. Eventually everything culminated to a point where I had to admit to myself that I cannot hold any job any longer and that the right thing to do is to stay close to bed until the body upgrades finish taking place. And being not a quitter, I persisted and gave my best with much struggle until the Universe decided to make the Ascension process easier for me and orchestrated the whole thing so that I stay peacefully by my parents’ side.
You know, as I lived in different countries and wrestled with different challenges, my mom always suggested me to come back to Mongolia. Then each time I had told her that I would prefer to commit suicide than to quit and come back. But now I am back to Mongolia, totally dependent on my parents, and yet no thought of committing suicide whatsoever. What a huge resistance change that must be!
So how is being with my parents like?
Well, first of all, I am infinitely grateful to them. What I am going through is unheard of before and when I explain the reason/cause, I run the risk of sounding crazy. Initially, my mom tried to rationalize it with several guesses for a reason; however, after I explained her the reason in detail and told her that there are things out there in the Universe that her mind cannot even comprehend, she seemed to have accepted that. As for my dad, he seems to be ok with whatever my mom must have explained him. Hence, my parents are being sweetly non-judgmental, kindly considerate and optimally caring.
Also seeing my parents be so good together is very nice and healing to my inner child. I think, one of the reasons that the Universe orchestrated me to stay with my parents is because I have several core beliefs/issues to become aware of, acknowledge and let go that has to do with my parents. On the flight back home, I became aware of an issue or two and I shared it with my mom. And to my delight, she was positively receptive and willing to explore her “issues” as well. So I hope that I will grow close to my mom on deeper level. Fingers crossed! As for my dad, besides making sure that I stay comfortable and well-fed, he does his own things and doesn’t interfere in my matters. So overall, it is very soothing and pleasant to have my parents around.
In terms of my usefulness to my parents, confined to bed most of the time, I feel like an infant. All I do is to sleep, lie in bed or sit in the sun by the window removing toxins and eat the food that they cook for me. Two days ago I wanted to be useful and started washing dishes. However, half way through, the energy spiked up suddenly and I had to lie down immediately. And when I was not able to get up after about 2 hours, my mom ended up finishing the dishes. So that’s how much helpful I am around the house. Oh well….
And how do I feel inside?
In short, my ego seems to have been cornered for total surrender, possibly death. So even though everything is peaceful at home, my ego keeps creating unrest inside. The major thing that it is going tense about is not knowing when I will be able to socialize and work again. Is it going to be months? Or is it going to be years? Also even though futile now, it is trying to decide whether to go back to Turkey after the “Ascension holiday”, or to stay here, or to go elsewhere. Also, it feels bad about the fact that I cannot even go out and catch up with my best friend, and it brings up many other major and minor stuff. So total surrender and ego death seem to be the only choice here and it is not going to be easy, you know.