Toxic People in focus

Hello world! giphy

Here I am keeping my notes from the book:

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As the notes were originally intended for my private view only, I did not bother to put them in a coherent format. So here they are as my mind captured them from the audiobook. 2

  • Be real with dark side of life. Protect yourself from people, who will try to do bad things to you.
  • Proactively create your life.
  • Evil is real.
  • You may actually help BAITERS to hurt you.

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  • Boldly stand up for what you want.
  • BAITERS:
    • Cheat to win at your expense
    • Cheat, exploit, use & abuse
    • People who believe means are justified by ends
    • Dark approach, escape from accountability
    • Dirty tricks, underhanded politics , unscrupulous, manipulative, nefarious
  • Defend ourselves
  • They create pain, heartache and havoc in your life.
  • You are probably not sure exactly what it is that you deserve.
    • Am I really worthy of the promotion?
    • Do I really deserve such a great mate?
    • Can I measure up when the pressure is on?
  • Stepping up and boldly claiming what you want.
  • Stop being victimized and start being victim-wise.
  • All for the evil to flourish is for the good man to do nothing.
  • Protect what you value.
  • Self-protect
  • Denying the existence of dark side
  • Passively accepting whatever comes their way.
  • Getting real about who you are.
  • Wake-up call
  • People in your life, who are negative and exploitative. They are obstacles to your success, happiness, security and peace of mind. Once you know how they think and act, they become a puzzle that is easily solved.
  • Dealing with ugly side of life.
  • It might horrify you, but this information will empower you.
  • Those from the dark side seek the gullible, the trusting or inattentive.
  • Be prepared when those desirable values and believes are violated by those, who have no moral compass.
  • We must open our eyes to the games they play and boldly confront these very negative and unsavory part of our world.
  • How to spot them and neutralize them so you are inoculated against their attacks and win this competition for whatever it is that you are fighting.
  • Those doubts and questions and a thousand like them make you tentative in stepping up and boldly claiming what you want.
  • You might even freeze or choke under pressure, even if just for a fleeting moment. But it is what tentativeness that moment of hesitation or doubt that your competition, particularly the BAITERS, seizes upon to get an edge on you.
  • These people understand that life is full of negotiating, positioning, influencing and working the system.
  • Your competition could be someone who simply outhassles you to win rather than a BAITER who lies or cheats.
  • Intent: If someone is deliberately causing you pain or harm or putting you at risk or wantingly disregarding your well-being that person is most certainly a BAITER. This differs from someone who is in just conflict with you because your interests are not aligned.
  • While some people are wondering why life isn’t fair, others are seizing and sometimes stealing the moment. They are not timid, they steal the attention and strategically position themselves for a chance to win. They are bold enough to step up and ask for what they want and ask again and again until they get it.
  • You need to stop letting them abuse you and your trust while you wish things were different.
  • Self-serving BAITER playing you.
  • Death of innocence
  • Threats list about people and circumstances in your life that could cause you pain if you fail to maintain vigil and protective action.
  • Come to grip with reality
  • Two things that don’t get better with time–bills and problems. Early acknowledgment and early intervention or action is always best. Denial is childish. Be totally and even brutally honest with yourself.
  • Don’t buy into either imagined dangers or mindless reassurances of people telling you that they know everything will be just fine.
  • You must become a sophisticated realist.
  • Users and abusers — know how to pick them out of a crowd and detect their tactics, then you can protect yourself. You need to counteract yourself. You need to counteract and stop them so you don’t keep getting played.

e26f937a861d4da694bf4fb84b63a262 - KopyaOne: Arrogant entitlement

  • They see the world through a lens of arrogant entitlement and frequently treat people as targets.
  • They are always scanning for an opening.
  • They think “This is mine. You just have it currently.

Two: Lack empathy

  • They lack empathy.
  • It never occurs to them how you are hurting or suffering because of what they did.

Three: No remorse/guilt

  • They are incapable of feeling remorse or guilt, and don’t learn from situation to situation.
  • How can they do the things that they do? Because they pursue pure gratification without fear of consequences or without the burden of conscience.
  • They don’t have the ability to feel guilt or sorrow.
  • They don’t have the capacity to feel bad about what they have done.
  • Hidden agenda
  • Conscience turned off
  • They lack insight, the ability to learn from their mistakes.

Four: Irresponsible/Self-destructive 

  • They are irresponsible, self-destructive and disregard the well-being of others.
  • They have an unreal sense of their own power.
  • They also do not register consequences.
  • To them, everyone else is a fool.
  • If they do something reckless and get hurt themselves, they don’t learn not to do it again because after all it just couldn’t have been their fault.
  • They don’t follow the rules.
  • They think they are bulletproof.
  • They don’t think the rules apply to them.

Five: Thrive on drama 

  • They thrive on drama and crisis.
  • They need drama to feel alive so they create it.
  • They stir things up and love to see them getting upset.
  • Drama and crisis are currency to them because they love the power to make people react.
  • They thrive on a good fight, good scandal and a good drama.
  • They start acting out when they can’t get their way.
  • They are often very angry and arrogant, which shows just below the surface.
  • They have a low tolerance for engaging in aggression and poor impulse control.
  • They are readily able to mess with you.

Six: Brag about outsmarting

  • They brag about outsmarting other people.
  • BAITERS are braggers.
  • If you pay attention, they will show you how they are.
  • They will brag about you or any halfway moral person would regard as cheating.
  • But to them it’s not cheating, just being smarter and one step ahead of the other guy, some sucker who got what he deserved.
  • BAITERS never know how what they are saying is playing in the room.
  • They say thing like “This guy is so trusting, he will be an easy pickings. Or she is so asleep at the switch, she won’t even see me coming till I’m gone.”
  • The fact that you can’t believe what you are hearing is lost on him.

Seven: Short-term relationships

  • They have a pattern of short-term relationships.
  • Their favorite topic is themselves. As long as you listen, they will spew it out.

Eight: Fantasy world/delusional 

  • They live in a fantasy world marked by delusion.
  • Within their delusional system, they are entitled, they will take, use and abuse in a reckless, wanton fashion.
  • These people are mean and cold, and you are just a target.
  • If their delusion turn into those of persecution, they become urgently dangerous in the name of self-persecution.
  • Paranoid people are looking for ways to harm or manipulate other people.
  • In truth, those who are suffering from paranoia are afraid of other people and turn to aggression to defend themselves.
  • They assume other people are out to get them, and act out of distorted sense of self defense.

So what next? 

  • Listen to your gut feeling.
  • Trust yourself first. The only way to protect yourself and your family.
  • That doesn’t mean you should be suspicious of anyone any more than you should trust everyone. What you should do is to suspend judgment until you know more.
  • It is reckless, not virtuous to blindly give people the benefit of the doubt.
  • I approach people from a neutral standpoint, then start gathering data from the first impression on and finally form an opinion when I have enough information.
  • Keep an open mind and gather data.
  • If my instincts are telling me, there is something not quite right with someone, I am going to listen to me, and they are going to go on my special “Watchlist”.
  • You can have differing levels of trust appropriate to your level of involvement with people.
  • Recognizing limits and boundaries
  • Relevant observations and information from which you can make attributions to the person.

Situational scan: 

  • Social sensitivity
  • Situational scan and awareness
  • BAITER radar
  • Urgent awareness
  • Level of vigilance
  • Watch the people in your life and let them know they are being watched.
  • The less you know about those you are watching, the closer you need to watch.
  • Get inside their head and master their secret playbook.
  • You’ve got to not only see them, but also know how to neutralize them, so they will decide they are better off moving on. They do that because all of a sudden you are just way too much trouble to put one over one.
  • To predict their behavior, you need to see the world through their eyes and let your mind take a walk on the dark side.
  • You need to have the same dialogue they have with themselves. You have to switch gear and think like they do.

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One: Infiltrate your life 

  • They infiltrate your life seducing with promises and flattery.
  • Masters at grooming
  • He must be identified and defended against when he attempt to work his way into your world.
  • Another infiltration tactic BAITERS use is flattery. These people are basically con-artists. They instill confidence by appealing to your ego and innate need for approval.
  • If all you hear is what you want to hear, be afraid.
  • If they are not sincere, if they are working you, it behooves you to figure out why.

Two: Create conspiratorial confidants 

  • They define you as a conspiratorial confidante.
  • Although the BAITERS don’t have much in the way of empathy, they are keenly aware of other people’s vulnerability and popularity of sport of gossiping. If they discover that their target is willing to gossip, they have found an “in”.
  • They exploit this by fostering conspiratory relationships, an “us-against-them” mentality.
  • And these BAITERS are correct because we tend to engage people at the level they engage us.
  • Everything is a secret. What they are doing is trying to find a relationship on an intimate disclosure level because they are smart enough to know that they can rely on your reciprocity. So we are likely to respond as they intend.
  • How do they do this? The bate you with seemingly intimate life details and experiences in order to suck you in and get you to do the same.
  • If they engage you in what seems to be an unguarded and private manner with delicate and sensitive information, then you are very likely to accept that definition of the relationship and respond in kind with your own sensitive disclosures.

Three: Depend on approval

  • They are way too focused on getting your approval as though very existence of them depends on your accepting them.
  • The BAITERS are terribly insecure so they are always trying to win alleys and supporters. They have a need to win you over that goes beyond just forming a relationship.
  • The BAITERS need you to actually endorse their position whatever it might be because they will use you to validate them at some point.
  • Be cautious of someone who is working you rather than working the problem. You might miss their manipulation because you are so busy working on their problem to help them while they are busy trying to screw you.

Four: Build a file 

  • They are always gathering data and building a file on you.
  • Everything they do, every interaction is for a purpose.
  • The infiltrating flatterer, the conspirator and the approval seeker I have been talking about all have one thing in common.
  • They are always trying to discover as much about you as they can so they can use the information against you or bolster themselves in some way.
  • They are testing you the way the horses are tested in electric fence looking for flaws, weaknesses, vulnerabilities and a way inside.
  • But this means they are never genuinely engaged because they always have a hidden purpose and always at a distance from your interaction.
  • With proper sensitivity, you can quickly discern when you are being pumped for information.
  • When he gains trust, he gains access to you and your life.
  • They are looking to taint or eliminate competition.

Five: Misdirect and obfuscate 

  • They consistently misdirect and maintain a mystery about who they really are. They answer questions that weren’t asked and they obfuscate.
  • People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.
  • BAITERS have plenty to hide.
  • They will frequently avoid responding directly in any discussion that requires them to take a personal position, be specific about their past, make a substantive self-disclosure or make a commitment that will come at a cost or narrow their options.

Six: Blame others 

  • When confronted with problems, they always blame others.
  • They do not take accountability or ownership of any thing of negative consequences.
  • People cannot change what they don’t acknowledge and BAITER acknowledge nothing.

Seven: Lie

  • They lie either by misstatement or by omission. They understand that lies with a kernel of truth are the most powerful.
  • When a BAITER lies, it is all too often for a very nefarious purpose and designed to mislead someone, who if they knew the truth would likely behave very differently.
  • The BAITERS’ lies are by design material misrepresentations that they are counting on you to accept as truth.
  • BAITERS are masters at three types of misdirection:
    • Affirmative misstatements
    • Lies by omission
    • Half truths
  • BAITERS love the drama of the role play and feed on the exhilaration of the lie.
  • The BAITERS are also good because they can pay attention to what you seem to respond to the most and they will hammer  those points.
  • They embed a verifiable kernel of truth to gain credibility to the overall story.
  • They will often misdirect by confessing to a lesser events if it distracts you from their more egregious transgression.
  • They are frauds. They cheat and they steal property, information and credit for other people’s work and claim false competencies to gain trust and reliance.
  • Among their tactics is the simple pattern of taking, not earning what they want.
  • Their behavior is based on the belief that you get a free ride any time you can. If people are dumb enough to leave themselves open to exploitation, if they allow themselves to be defrauded, well, then too bad for them.
  • They are great sales people. They tell a great story and make you believe they are cutting-edge competent. They work at sales so hard because they need to disarm you so you don’t run off and independently verify their claims, check their references and otherwise confirm who and what they are.
  • They need to ease your mind so as to kill your need for investigation.
  • Control of the target is essential to any fraud and BAITERS know it. If they keep you occupied, they can work you close in.

Nine: Frauds/cheaters

  • They isolate their victims and foster dependency to obligate you and gain leverage and power.
  • The number one weapon of abusers in general is isolation.
  • If any BAITERS are working you, setting you up, because you are going to serve a purpose for them or have something they want, they will first attempt to eliminate as many of your contacts and support systems as possible.
  • They don’t want you having any reality checks, encouragement, validation or differing opinions.
  • They are much too insecure to have others in the mix. It might be subtle at first because they just try to be ever present in your life.
  • They infiltrate your life seducing with promises and flattery. Then they will escalate to dominating your time just one-on-one, But always asking you to go to lunch, come over to their house, catch a movie, power walk in the mornings, anything that gives them a private audience with you. Soon they will begin to alienate you from others and others from you.
  • Healthy relationships have a balance and consistent pattern of give and take with each party receiving no strings attached support from one another.
  • BAITERS strive for imbalance and they achieve that by overdoing for you, going out of their way for you, so you are in their debt.
  • If any relationship is too one-sided, you should be very wary.
  • Don’t be seduced by the BAITERS early service to you and an unwillingness to accept anything in return. You are being set up.
  • They will try to convince you that without them, you will be miserable, without them you will be lost, alone, incompetent and down-trodden.
  • If they can convince you that you just can’t get by without them anymore, they have tremendous leverage that can be used to threaten and intimidate you.

Ten: Abuse authority

  • When in a position of power and authority they abuse it with self-dealing and ego-maniacal conduct.
  • It has been said that power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely.
  • Believing that the world is theirs for the taking, they will frequently take advantage of the situation and everyone in it in ways that once discovered are shocking.
  • To be under the thumb of power-intoxicated BAITER is a place where you never wanna find yourself.
  • You cannot give them power over you because they will abuse it and you.
  • If you are working for any BAITERS, you and yours are in harm’s way. Get out of denial and start making plans for a change and escape right now.
  • It’s not a question of if, but a question of when you will be victimized.

Eleven: Press hot buttons 

  • They ID yours sensitivities and hot buttons to gain leverage. We all have hot buttons and that knowledge in the hands of a BAITER is emotionally dangerous for us.
  • Maybe you have a self-doubt or hyper critical of your appearance, lack of education, or less than stellar past, whether real or imagined failures and vulnerabilities, the BAITER will pound at you in those areas when he needs you to be less than 100% confident.
  • If the BAITER discovers your buttons, I promise you, it goes in their bag to be pulled out the moment they nee to enforce control over you, distract you or defeat you.
  • A good policy is to share personal information only on a need-to-know basis with new people in your life.

 

Be you, be unique

Bella

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